Voldemort vs The Fanfiction
by Nellie Potter
Summary: In which Voldemort attempts to write a fanfiction. Can be seen as a companion piece to Death Eaters Discover Fanfiction, but you don't really need to read the other one.


**A/N: Well, it took me many months to write this, but I finally completed this. it can be seen as a companion piece to Death Eaters Discover Fanfiction, but you don't really have to read the first. **

**WARNING: there are a number of references in this fic! I apologize if this fic ends up offending anyone**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that I make a reference to in this fic XD**

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A year had gone by since Voldemort discovered the wondrous world of fanfiction, and after some persuasion from Draco, Bellatrix, and Lucius, the Dark Lord finally went out to Best Buy and purchased a laptop. So now, Voldemort sat on his luxury Lay-Z Boy couch, his fat honey badger, Frumpy, licking himself by his master's side.

Lord Voldemort stared at the blank screen of Document 1- Microsoft Word as he tried to think of a fanfiction to write. He would have written one about him killing Harry Potter, but he actually accomplished that the year before by murdering Daniel Radcliffe. Frumpy made a weird noise that honey badgers make (whatever the heck kind of noise they make) loud and obnoxiously and Voldemort glared at his honey badger. "Shut up Frumpy! I am trying to concentrate!" Frumpy hissed (if honey badgers hiss) and moved off of the couch. And Voldemort was left to peacefully return to his quest.

Twenty minutes went by and the Voldy had come up with nothing. He set the laptop on the coffee table and stared at it, seemingly thinking deeply. But no, he was drawing a blank. And then suddenly, it hit him! "My god this table is dusty," Voldy muttered to himself. He couldn't very well concentrate with a dusty table now, could he? So Voldemort left his living room to find a dust rag.

As Voldy traveled down the stairs to get the dust rag, he passed Frumpy on the landing and Frumpy was being absolutely adorable! The honey badger was on its back, pawing at the air and Voldy took his time to pet Frumpy. Forty-five minutes later, Voldemort continued down the stairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, Voldy looked around, scratching his chin. "Now what had I come down here for?" he asked himself and Frumpy began rubbing against his legs. Frumpy however was thinking:

_You came downstairs for the dust rag, stupid. _

Frumpy didn't bother telling this thought to Voldy though because as it has been pointed out many times before: honey badger don't care. So Voldemort stood there stupidly, looking around the downstairs living room, trying to remember what he came down there for when he realized:

"I should really paint this room." And so, Voldemort set off on yet another mini quest to get the paint from the garage (why he has a garage, no one knows. He doesn't have a car, not even a motorcycle. He's the dark lord, he can just fly!) Just as he was about the head into the garage though, his cell phone rang.

"Ra-ha-ringtone, pick your phone! Ra-ha-ringtone, pick up your phone!" it sang out, summoning the Dark Lord to it. Making a noise of frustration, Voldemort turned right around and went back upstairs. He grabbed his cell phone out of his European handbag (man purse) and answered it just in time.

"Hello?" he said into his iPhone 4s. Voldy groaned and rolled his eyes when he heard the annoying, all too familiar voice of Bellatrix Lestrange. "Yes Bella, hello; no I do not have time to talk right now, I'm in the middle of writing a fanfiction!" He ignored the eye rolling of Frumpy, the wicked awesome honey badger that don't care. "You what? 'Admire my determination not to procrastinate'?" Voldemort quoted aloud to make sure he heard Bellatrix correctly. "Well, uh, thanks Bella… No we cannot talk about it over lunch." And he hung up his phone. He grumbled in annoyance as he passed his shelf that held all of his CDs and placed his phone on it for lack of a better place to put the stupid muggle object that he couldn't live without.

An odd thought struck Voldemort then as he took a closer look at his CD collection. It was all disorganized! So he set to work on re-organizing his collection. Soon, everything was in order. Salt-n-Pepa was next to the Cranberries, the Doors were next to the Carpenters next to the Nine Inch Nails; perfectly organized to Voldemort's liking. Frumpy rubbed against Voldy's leg, making a sort of purring noise which really freaked Voldemort out since he didn't know if wicked awesome honey badgers could purr, so the Dark Lord kicked Frumpy across the room, just missing Draco Malfoy as he Apparated into the room.

"Ah, Lucius Malloy's boy," Voldemort greeted, "And what brings you here to my totally awesome crib?"

Draco looked around, silently agreeing that it was totally awesome. "I have come with news. I know how to infiltrate Hogwarts," the teen announced with pride, holding his head high.

Voldemort gave Draco a look, obviously not impressed. "I have already killed Harry Potter though," he pointed out. "But do tell me what your little plan was. And don't say a giant slide, or a trampoline, because we've already tried that."

Draco's brow furrowed in confusion. "My Lord, I believe you are using a reference to A Very Potter Musical," he declared and then Umbridge appeared out of nowhere.

"Order! I will have order!" she shouted. "Finally, a way to expose Potter's secrets!" Umbridge went to Voldemort's laptop, typed in A Very Potter Musical in the YouTube search box, and then Disapparated to Hogwarts to gather everyone in the Great Hall.

The Dark Lord rolled his eyes. "But Potter's dead!" he shouted into the empty air. "Great, you know what this means now, don't you?"

"Yes," Draco said as he nodded. "Now there will be a thousand more fanfictions about Umbridge 'exposing' Harry Potter using AVPM and AVPS, only to have it backfire in her face."

Fanfiction… oh no! Umbridge took Voldemort's laptop! Now he wouldn't be able to type up and post his fanfiction, whatever it was going to be! Voldemort groaned and sat down on the couch. "Now I will never be able to complete my life dream of becoming a well known fanfiction author," he sobbed. "I need help!"

Just then, the most amazingful thing happened. There was a crashing sound as something burst through the window.

"Lenny!"

"Tuck!"

"And Ming-Ming too!"

"We're wonder pets and we'll help you," the trio of adorable class pets sang in unison. They looked to Voldemort and grimaced in disgust at the no-nosed man.

"You're not an animal," Ming-Ming pointed out. Voldemort screamed and snatched his wand from within his robes (where was he keeping that thing the whole time?)

"Avada Kedavra!" he exclaimed and the adorable class pets were dead. Frumpy came along then, acting as if he had never been kicked across the room, and started eating the Wonder Pets because that's what honey badgers do. Honey badger just takesss what it wantssss. Draco watched in disgust and slowly backed away. It was then he noticed how neatly and cleverly organized Voldemort's CDs were.

"Wow, my Lord, I never knew you had such good taste!" the blonde said with delight. "Father must hear of this!" Draco summoned Lucius, using the Accio charm, which is impossible as J.K Rowling made it clear that the Summoning Charm doesn't work on humans, but for the sake of this fanfiction, it's possible.

Lucius came crashing through the wall moments later. "Holy Wizard God, that was weird. I was eating this Red Vine," Lucius showed the other two the half eaten vine of candy, "and now I'm here. How weird is that?"

"Father, eating the Red Vine has nothing to do with… never mind," Draco said, seeing this conversation to be pointless. "Anyway, there is something you must know!"

"You finally learned how to use the potty! Oh Drahcko, I'm so proud of you!" Lucius squealed in happiness. Draco rolled his eyes.

"Father, my name is pronounced Dray-koh, not Drah-koh," the supermegafoxyawesomehot wizard boy corrected. "And for your information… I'm still wearing the diaper. All respectable wizards do. No, what I wanted you to know was that the Dark Lord is a master at organizing CDs! Take a look." Draco led Lucius over to the CD shelf and the two ogled at the marvel.

Voldemort rolled his eyes as the two gawked at his CDs. He quickly snatched his iPhone. He texted Severus Snape for no apparent reason, and the dark and mysterious man with the hooked nose appeared moments later, holding his Samsung Intensity.

"Did you get my text?" Voldemort asked immediately.

Snape looked up from his phone to meet the red eyes of his master. "Yes my Lord," came his bitter voiced answer.

Voldemort looked disappointed about that answer. "Well you didn't text me back." He put a hand on his hip, silently sassing the Hogwarts teacher. "Anyway," the no-nosed man continued before Snape could comment. "I need you here to…" Actually, he didn't need Snape. It was just nice to have the supermegafoxyawesomehot teacher around. "To stand there and be all smexy."

Snape pretended to ponder this and finally said: "Very well, my lord." And he struck a very smexy pose. All of the fangirls in the room fainted.

"When did the fangirls get here?" Voldemort wondered out loud. He then shrugged it off and ordered Frumpy to devour all of the fangirls. Frumpy did so gladly and willingly. "Now then," Voldemort announced, and everyone turned their attention to him. "You shall all help me write a fanfiction!"

Lucius squealed in delight. "Oh goody! What shall it be about my Lord?"

Voldemort opened his mouth to answer, and then realized that he had missed the most important step in creating a fanfiction: knowing what franchise to write about. "Hm… well, I guess… well I guess I just don't know Lucius," Voldemort admitted. "This can pose as a bit of a problem…"

The group exchanged glances, hoping that one of them would at least come up with something for what would turn out to be a co-written fanfiction.

"We could Alice in Wonderland," Draco suggested and everyone shook their head in disagreement. "Hm, what about Tangled? Or Once Upon a Time? Or Into the Woods? Or-"

Severus cut Draco off. "What is it with you and fairytales? Seriously, you're like, seventeen. Man up, why don't you?"

Draco stuck his tongue out at Severus. "Only real men like fairytales and admit it."

"Draco, you sissy, ten points from Gryffindor!" Severus announced dismissively.

Draco put his hands on his hips. "Hey, you can't do that! You can't just take away points from the Hogwarts House that I'm secretly in love with!"

"Oh yeah, wanna bet?" Sev asked, getting all gangsta' like.

While Severus and Draco were all up in each other's grills with Lucius watching in fascination, Voldemort crept out of the room with Frumpy on his heels. He took a little blue pill and a nice long nap.

The End!


End file.
